Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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