The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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