I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
