boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
