when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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