i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
