Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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