also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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