Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i drank out of a bidet.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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