I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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