You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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