You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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