we have officially lost it.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
