i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
