Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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