i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
