i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
