It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
