You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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