My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
