Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
