Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize