i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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