if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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