We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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