I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
