The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
