You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
