The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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