I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
