The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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