Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
