Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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