NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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