Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
