there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
