Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
