i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
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your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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