The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
