There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
