paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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