get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My life is pants optional.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
