Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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