you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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