sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
