I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
