Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
