i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
