her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
