I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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