she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize