I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
