so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
