it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
im on a boat
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