a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
