I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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