Your face is a jimmy john
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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