genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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