Rock
Scissors
Fuck
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
