Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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